I started pulling my eyelashes when I was about 10. I can’t remember the first time I did it. At 14 I started pulling my eyebrows too, and soon I had to start pencilling them in. I often thought about the “right” time or how I could tell anybody about it. I genuinely thought I was the only person in the world who would do this.

A month before I turned 15, a visit to the internet relaxed me a lot. One afternoon, I typed “pulling eyelashes and eyebrows” into the Google search engine. I was surprised at the number of sites that appeared on the screen. I soon found out all about trichotillomania — a condition which involves pulling out hair from the scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, etc.

I found one site that explained the medical reasons behind it. I also saw story after story of others and posted messages. It was the first time I felt understood. I’ve made so many good friends online who have all had their psychological and emotional ups and downs. I’ve read their stories, and the most magical thing is that in them, I can see me. I’m not the only one. Trichotillomania is only a part of our lives. We can be clothed by our religion and traditions. We’re living life and we’re daughters, sisters, housewives, mothers — we are people, and people matter.

Things improved. I had counselling, hypnotherapy, neuro-linguistic programming and acupuncture. I can’t say I feel 100% sure that I will never be free — unfortunately, I can’t. A couple of years ago I told my mum and she was very supportive, and she’s been great ever since. I feel so loved and different now. I feel stronger. Psychologically I feel completely different — different in a good way.

People’s opinions have stopped mattering to me. I can handle people looking at me or talking about me. I’ve also come to the nice feeling of being able to tell someone I support self-respect — and can appreciate it too. I know I’m an emotional rollercoaster and sometimes I crash. I used to feel so scared and depressed and suicidal, but I know how to handle that now.

I was 100% happy with myself. I had depression all this time and was never diagnosed in a way. I feel like a proper human being. I am still trying to change how I think — in different kinds of ways, like using my positive inner chatter more to help.

How did I get to this point? My family’s continuous support has always been an important factor, and I always believe that finding the site was the start of the journey that makes me the person I am today.

~ Alpa (Slough)