This is the first time I have ever shared this with another human being, so it is not easy for me.
I keep thinking, I am different. I am not like the others … although perhaps I am, except I pull my hair from my head and not my eyebrows or eyelashes.
Oh, this is so hard but good to have someone I hope will not think I am silly or I am going mad!!!
I can remember the day I started, vividly, why I don’t know, maybe some sort of turning point in my life at the age of ten. During my teenage years while going to high school it got to the point of having bald patches behind my ears. I got my hair cut to hide it, as we always had to have out hair up and you could see the bald spots clearly.
I don’t remember my parents or anybody else saying anything to me about this, they were always too busy and didn’t understand. I am now 48, never got on with my parents and ran away from home when I was 14, never went back till I was over 21. I have never lived at home and can only stand a day there.
I find it comes and goes, depending what happens in my life. I believe stress is a big factor. When I gave up smoking several years ago I had nothing to do with my hands so I took up hair pulling again , biting my nails and the skin around them. It’s worse when I am watching TV or not busy with my hands and when I have time to sit and do nothing, boredom. I usually head for the fridge or pull my hair out.
Something – I am not sure what, must be happening in my life as in the last few years my weight has ballooned and my hair pulling has been bad in the last few months. I have been dieting and have now lost a lot but have been very very unhappy for a long time. I was never sexually abused by my parents, emotionally I would say, yes. When my parents spoke of their life as children I can now understand why they were like the way they were, always aloof and just out of reach.
I always thought I was strange and I did something really weird, I had no idea there was a name for it until one night they featured one brave lady on a current affairs program about pulling her hair out, then I knew.
Once, while I was at the doctors with my children I asked him about trichotillomania because I had heard people who have it do the same as I did, he told me not to be so silly, how could I have ADD and did I really think at my age I had it and did I want to start on all these drugs, with no cure. Obviously, that really put me off, I felt like a real idiot.
That was years ago, my children are grown up now.
THEN, last night because my hair pulling has been so bad in the last month and I was at my wits end what to do, I don’t know why but I decided to type in ‘pulling your hair out and eating it” on my computer and bingo! I couldn’t believe my eyes when all this info came up on your website and I could see with my own eyes that I am not alone after all these years!
I can stop it when I really try. I tell my hands not to do it and try not to think about it and it is very hard but the urge goes away in the end. Sometimes I can be pull free for months at a time then I think ‘oh I haven’t done that for ages and bang away it goes again’ that’s the way I describe it anyway.
It is not an easy thing to accept there is something wrong with you. I have been through all the phyciatrists when I was younger, as I cannot relate emotionally to my parents or children. When my Dad died last year I could not shed a tear and still cannot. My Mum cannot still tell me she loves me, even though I say it to spite her. Since I have grown older I have eventually been able to come to terms with the way I am and now have my ways to get around things. I am a very happy, strong, bubbly, outgoing, person on the outside but a very miserable person on the inside, with all these problems I hide very well.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!